Are You a Nice Guy? How to Be a Good Guy Instead

Do you want to make sure that you don’t hurt anyone’s feelings?

Do you constantly do nice things for people so that they’ll notice you?

Do you pride yourself in being generous?

Then you could suffer from the biggest problem that men have today that prevents them from getting what they want in life.

It’s called…*drum roll*…The Nice Guy Syndrome.

Definition of a Nice Guy

A Nice Guy is someone who aims to please everyone.

He doesn’t stand up for his values for the fear that someone might not like him.

He helps his friends with their homework and then expects them to give him something back.

He believes that other people owe him for something he did.

He has a hard time saying “no”, and agrees to do things that he doesn’t really want to do.

He is continually seeking approval from other people.

Are you a Nice Guy?

Let me share with you the time where I realized that I was the Nice Guy..

Back in my early years of college, I met this cute girl during the summer at a concert. She was blatantly more interesting that I was — she went to concerts, raves, and drum circles on a regular basis. I wasn’t doing a whole lot with my summer off, she liked me, and I was intrigued about her lifestyle, so I hung out with her.

She’d invite me to these events and I’d tag along. It was the craziest summer of my life.

Visualize this: I met a girl with hairy armpits that liked being dragged around by a chain around her neck. I also hung out with a gang member who supposedly blew up a door with a grenade to get $20 back. Need I say more?

Her friends with hairy armpits and dangerous explosives aside, I liked this girl. So I went with her every time she invited me out.

She began to tell me about her not-so-good past, and as I learned more and more about her, I still wanted to hook up with her.

So I listened, was there for her to vent, and helped her work through her problems. I even bought her gifts at some point, even though we weren’t even in a relationship.

I thought I could “save her” from her fucked up life, lavish her with gifts, and then afterwards, she’d fall in love with me. I’d be her knight in shining armor, if you will.

So that’s exactly what I did.

And you know what happened?

Nothing.

She started to become less and less interested in me, and eventually, she rejected me.

I was devastated, and I didn’t understand. Here was this girl with all these problems and I was there to listen to her — she should want to be with me, right?

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I thought that by being nice to her I was doing the world a service. I thought I was a good person.

Even more wrong.

It’s not by chance that I also had low self-esteem, low confidence, and a poor work ethic.

But when I realized what I’m about to share with you, everything changed.

She became even more interested in me, which is a complete 180 at the time.

But this attitude didn’t just happen with this girl — it happened all across the board with my relationships.

The point: Nice guys have it all wrong.

Just like me, Nice guys have the idea that everyone needs to like them, that they have to do things for other people when they don’t want to, and had to be agree with people they didn’t agree with just to be ‘nice’.

Personally, this continued for the majority of my life, until about a year ago when I read a book about the development of Nice Guys.

The book goes into detail about how more and more “Nice Guys” are popping up — guys that were raised with a closer relationship to their mother and never internalized what it means what it truly means to be a man.

They never learned to be their own source of validation, and continually needed the approval of others to feel good about themselves.

The author’s observations were spot on with my life, and it made sense that I was feeling the way I did.

I continued to become more aware of my beliefs and how they affected my self-image.

And after some analysis, it was amazing to finally realize that my source of low self-esteem came from fear of not being accepted…

I was acting out of fear instead of acting out of love for the people and the world around me.

But you know what?

Fuck. That. Shit.

I felt like I had to act a certain way to be accepted, when it reality, it couldn’t be further from the truth.

Holding back my thoughts because I was afraid of being disliked by people I didn’t agree with made no logical sense at all.

My actions rooted back to my younger self, where I thought I had to prove something to people who didn’t treat me fairly or picked on me.

Well, fuck that.

I have since learned that it’s not about being a Nice Guy. It’s not about getting everyone to like you — that’s impossible.

Sure, you can tip-toe around what you really want to say..but in the end, people won’t respect you.

You can tip-toe around what you really want to say, but in the end, you won’t be respected.

They may think that you’re “nice”, but deep down they know that you don’t trust yourself, and won’t listen to what you have to say.

They won’t really care.

In addition to not being heard, being a Nice Guy comes with so many problems: low self-esteem, low confidence, being unattractive, and most importantly, not getting what you want.

When you don’t prioritize your life and your feelings because you want to be “nice” and help people out, you’re doing yourself a disservice because that’s not how the world works.

It works by favoring people who believe in themselves and trust their value as a human being.

It works by favoring Good Guys.

The Definition of a Good Guy

A Good Guy..

1. Wants to do things for the greater good of humanity

2. Genuinely cares about helping people without expecting anything in return

3.  Trusts his value in the world

4.  Speaks his mind

Good Guys know that people are either going to love or hate them, but they also know that since they trust their value and that they are bettering the world, that the majority of the people will like them anyways.

They care what other people think, but they care about what they think more.

They are positively changing the world, and they know it internally regardless of what other people think.

Think about a Firefighter. He doesn’t save lives and then expect them to repay him.

He’s just helping out the community because he wants to help, no strings attached.

He doesn’t second guess going into a burning building to save someone — he gears up and just does it.

That’s a Good Guy.

Exercise: Who are the Nice Guys and the Good Guys around you?

I want you to see how this applies to your life, and how you can utilize this information to become the best man you possibly can be.

I want you to think about the Nice Guys and Good Guys that you know.

You know who they are — the Nice Guys are quiet and will usually do favors for you, but they will occasionally get really angry or frustrated because they aren’t getting their way.

That’s a Nice Guy.

The Good Guys are even more obvious. Confidence radiates from their presence, they’re inspirational, and they speak their minds.

They give back to the people around them, and they don’t expect people to “owe them one”.

They are leaders.

Think about these two different types of guys and compare my definition above to them.

You’ll notice that it’s spot on.

I want you to do the same: take a look at the qualities in yourself and see which one you are.

If you’re a Nice Guy, that’s okay.

The first step is realizing it…with awareness you can change.

How to be a Good Guy

Now that you can attach the see the two types of guys to people in your life or in yourself, you can incorporate more Good Guy traits into your lifestyle and be a better man.

Here’s what you should start with:

Speak your mind.

This is the number one thing you can possibly do to start trusting yourself and valuing your own opinion.

Stand up for what you believe in, even if you know people will disagree or call you out.

On the flip side, don’t be an asshole and put people down if you disagree with them, but it’s okay to disagree…just be respectful of both of your opinions.

But when you speak your mind, you will feel a whole lot better.

You are believing in yourself, you are trusting yourself, and you’re confident that if things don’t go the way you planned, you’ll figure it out along the way.

Its okay if people don’t like you. In fact, people won’t like you.

They will love you.

The people who hate you are ones who don’t share the same values as you, and thus you won’t really care.

Why would you want them to like you? You are doing good for the world and you know it.

So speak your mind. Give back to the community without expecting anything in return.

Realize that it’s not about keeping score. It’s giving what you can to the world, not expecting anything in return (the world was here first, after all), and living your values.

Start developing these Good Guy traits and you’ll be on the right track to being the man you truly want to be.

Nice guy’s are overrated. Be a Good Guy instead.

##

Do you know any ‘Nice Guys’. Please share this to your Nice Guy friends because they’ll learn to start becoming a Good Guy today.

  • Michael Brideau

    Awesome post man!

    Once again I can completely relate to so many points! I definitely used to be the nice guy. The thing is, I knew it too. I just didn’t know how to stop being that guy until I started focusing on me and “speaking my mind”.

    I really believe this is a great starting point for any nice guy who doesn’t want to be trampled on anymore!

    Cheers!

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  • Guest

    Love the paradigm. More on this, I might add that good guys don’t fear to loose it all because they just do good things as an impulse, never expecting something in return.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jam.zx.3 Jorge Lopez

    Love the paradigm. I might add that good guys never expect something back, because their good actions are a cause of impulse, because their core values are about “letting the chips fall where they may”.

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  • Jasper

    Thanks soo much

  • Danny

    Great discussion. You provided a link, but I gotta point out Robert Glover wrote the book on this. He’s a cool, funny, and wise man, and his book is crucial. Thanks, Max.

    • http://www.innergladiator.com/ Max Nachamkin

      Hey Danny, thanks! And yes – Robert’s book is phenomenal. A must read for every man.

  • anuragambraham

    It’s amazing and I am a nice guy. But for many years I wasn’t knowing I am a nice guy. I was proud by myself. I have the same story lol. Now I am going to get my life.. :D thanks friend

  • Jesse Moore

    You da real MVP. Made me feel a whole lot better tonight.

  • תום מוריק

    Its like some conspiracy the way we have been grown :}
    Just saying…

  • Roby Roby

    Didn’t think about this haha…Thanks this will most likely help me.Love ya man this article was very in-depth and very informative.Good luck in the future , you deserve it ^_^

  • Sujit Sharma

    bull. theres no difference.